


Buttons

by Princess_sized



Category: SKAM (Italy), SKAM (Italy) RPF
Genre: Defense Mechanisms, Marti isn’t proud of himself or his actions, Self Loathing, also Gio/Laura, background mentions of Eva/Gio, but only for like a second, post s1 / pre s2, self reflection, this is all marti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 14:32:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18740995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess_sized/pseuds/Princess_sized
Summary: “I know it sounds crazy, but I never meant to hurt you.”————Or, Marti starts wearing his shirts buttoned all the way up sometime between the end of their 3rd year and the start of 4th.This is why.





	Buttons

Marti isn’t sure when he started buttoning his shirts like this —all the way up to his neck, his sleeves closed tight. He isn’t sure when the layers he piled on every morning suddenly weren’t enough anymore. He’s not even sure _why_ he does this. Why he wears his clothes like a protective layer (or, layers)—like a suit of armor.

Buttons. Layers. Protection.

Of course, it’s a lie. Marti _does_ know when this started. He knows exactly when.

—————————

_“I know it sounds crazy, but I never meant to hurt you.”_

—————————

It started after his conversation with Eva at the end of the year. After he had finally, finally realized what exactly he had done. And that would be the answer to the why too, wouldn’t it? He knows it all has to do with that moment. The one where he had been sitting on the floor of his dark bedroom, alone. When he had finally allowed himself to see, to understand. To let the weight of this new reality settle over him. Oh yes, Marti knows.

At least, a part of him does. A part of his brain that is in the furthest, darkest corner. A part of him that both screams to be let out, to be acknowledged and simultaneously burrows deeper, hiding away from anything that could expose himself for who — _what_ he truly is.

——————————

_“I know it sounds crazy, but I never meant to hurt you.”_

——————————

So maybe it’s not really a lie. Because consciously, Martino doesn’t let himself have the time to dwell on it. As far as he’s willing to admit, he just woke up one day and started this new routine. Staring at himself in the mirror as he makes sure every last button is fastened every morning —he never can meet his own eyes that stare back.

Shame. Guilt. Fear. It’s all there, bubbling under his skin. Under the protective layers he desperately tries to keep around himself.

——————————

_“I know it sounds crazy, but I never meant to hurt you.”_

——————————

Marti had meant those words more than anything he had ever said out loud before. The disbelief on Eva’s face before her sudden laughter was something that Marti could still see every time he closed his eyes. Of course she hadn’t believed him —after everything he had done. He probably wouldn’t have either if the roles had been reversed. But the words were true.

Not only did he unintentionally hurt Eva (and Gio, of course), he hadn’t even understood or realized his actions until it was too late. Until he had completely morphed into someone he didn’t even recognize.

Selfish. Vindictive. Manipulative.

He remembers that night, sitting alone in the shadows. Remembers the way he felt when it had all finally clicked. When his brain had finally caught up with his actions. _What have I done._ The phrase repeating over and over and over again in his mind. Flashes of the last few weeks exploding behind his eyes he held tightly shut.

Flirting with Eva at the cabin to make her want to break up with Giovanni. Consoling her whilst storing the information he had away until he could use it to his own advantage. Convincing her not to tell Gio about Fede and the kiss. Keeping information and secrets from his best friend in the hopes he’d be mad enough once he found out later to break it off with Eva. Seeking out Alice. Lying, once again to Eva and telling her that he had feelings for her.

The memories, even then when they had been recent, seemed unreal. Like some cruel joke the universe was playing on him. Like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. It made his stomach sick. His head hadn’t stopped spinning even now.

How had he gotten there? To a place so unfamiliar? Sure, he could blame it on his feelings for his best friend. The jealousy he felt every time he saw Gio lean in to give Eva a kiss. The pain that coursed through him anytime Gio would come to him and complain about Eva —or anytime Eva would come to him to do the same. Sure. He could put the blame there, it would be perfectly understandable.

But it would just be another lie.

The truth was, Marti had always felt this way for Giovanni. Ever since they were small, Marti’s heart would melt anytime he was around. His crush had lasted years, had become such a part of him that Marti had hardly noticed it much anymore. And he definitely hadn’t gotten this worked up when Gio and Laura had been together.

Honestly, Marti doesn’t know how or why he did it. Not even that far corner of his brain could come up with an excuse that felt real. And that’s what scared him the most.

Marti became such a vile person, doing such hurtful things without a second thought or even a care. He truly was a version of himself that he hated. And he had no answers as to how or why. He couldn’t figure it out.

——————————

_“I know it sounds crazy, but I never meant to hurt you.”_

——————————

The thought terrifies him —that he could become that person again at any moment. It fills him with enough shame and guilt to notice that he pulls away from… everything. His mom, his dad, his friends —especially Gio. _It’s better like this_ he tells himself. _Safer._

_This way I won’t hurt anyone else._

So this is his new normal. His new routine that he’s adopted over these last few months. Maybe it’s an atonement for his wrong doings, maybe it’s his way to make sure he doesn’t lose himself again. Maybe it’s what will ensure the safety of those he cares for most.

He won’t become that person again. He won’t lose control over himself. No matter what he has to do, how much of himself he has to lock up and keep in check. _It’s better like this._

So the buttons get done up.

All the way up —even if it’s a bit suffocating at times. Because as he has come to learn in the most difficult way that his discomfort is a small sacrifice to pay in order to keep those he loves safe from himself.

Buttons. Layers. Protection.

But Marti isn’t protecting himself from the world. He’s protecting the world from himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I decided to rewatch s1 today and realized that Marti starts buttoning his shirt like this in the last episode and it got me thinking. I know people have discussed the symbolism behind it before and the possibilities of it being related to his repressed sexuality but I just saw it... a little differently. 
> 
> Thanks again to the lovely Sarah for letting me scream all of my ideas at you and then you encouraging me to actually write them (and proofing my work for mistakes) you’re the best and ilysm!


End file.
